Growing up, I actually never really identified with the fact that for my entire childhood, my mother was a single mom which is a bit laughable because I accompanied both of my parents during their custody/visitation and child support court hearings. Just completely missed that whole thing in its entirety. Then she got engaged and the "hold the
Anyway,
A love story:
After meeting at a skating rink and my father (unbeknownst to my mama) literally followed my mom to her physical therapy appointments just to leave flowers on her car windshield, my mama was wooed into a first date with this slightly younger man, that if nothing else, was persistent. Extremely persistent. This guy followed her to her appointments for WEEKS, but wasn't quick witted enough to leave a note with the flowers. So instead of being completely romanced, my mama was quite understandably, completely weirded out.
Eventually love came, followed by plans of marriage. My mother and father decided to get married at the courthouse. My mother, being the natural Claire Huxtable of a woman that she is, would not allow the simplicity of her planned nuptials to dim her flair for the fancy. She got a limo and a sweet white dress, a fancy hotel room for the after party and dinner reservations. This was to be an event to remember, for just the two of them.
However, the morning of their wedding day, my mother looked at my father, really looked at him, and recognized that he was not ready. They argued a bit about my mama's realization, but in the end they both knew she was right and they called the whole day off. A few weeks later they found out they would not have spent their romantic day alone anyway, because ya girl was in the building the whole time!
Now, I don't remember much of my parents being together as a couple, or even us living together as a family, which is probably why I never recognized my mama as a single parent afterwards. But from what I remember of their infrequent but notable arguments, them staying together for "the sake of the child" would have caused more damage than I can imagine. I will always appreciate the fact that my parents saw that they were amazing at creating a human life together, but not the best life partners for each other.
I suppose that's why I get so offended by the idea that those homes with only one parent are somehow broken. Because at this point, you're talking about my mama and my daddy.
First, imagine folks minding their own, personal, business. Realize that it'll never happen and move on. Secondly, imagine people using their God given, common sense. Then, imagine those same people placing the sanity and future of their young child over their own wishes to not be single. Realizing that a child can have access to both parents, even if they don't live together as long as both parents are willing is possible! Just as a parent can be in the same home as their child and be wholly detached from them.
Don't get me wrong, my dad could have done a few things differently and missed out on quite a few things, most notably to me, my high school graduation. Did that hurt? Yes. But growing up in an environment not surrounded by angst and anger allowed me to talk to him about it and heal from it. Guess who was the first to show up to my graduation from college? My daddy also drove from Pennsylvania to New Jersey at 5 AM on a Tuesday when I was in 7th grade because a teacher accused me of forgery and made me cry. He had to carry my mother out over his shoulder because it got way too real in that classroom but, I'll explain the beauty of my mama's gangsta at a later date. I didn't even know he made the trip until I got home from school that day.
My daddy has his faults. So does my mama. Putting their child before themselves is not one of them. I never identified with the idea that if one less parent lived in your home, your home is "broken". The beauty in this entire story is honesty. Real honesty. Not waiting until shit hits the fan, but working things out and letting things go before the hurt festers into another generation. I'm forever indebted to my parents for telling me stories of their topsy turvy love affair and not letting it crash and burn in front of me.
I struggle to envision the relationship I'd have with love if it weren't for my "broken home".
...dig and be dug...
