I'm frustrated. I'm trying to step up and make things happen for myself, mainly so I can repay everyone who's ever done anything for me. And I feel stuck. Like my feet are stuck in the La Brea tar pits or something. So I'm sinking and stuck. I'm not sure how I got here, I can't pinpoint it, but I need to figure it out so I don't make this mistake again. Whatever this mistake was.
But I'm not going to analyze the "whys" and "what ifs"on this here blog, because they aren't really the point of my needing to share my dilemma. Especially since the root of my dilemma seems to be typical for a lot of people I know. Not everyone. But more than a few. I think what might be different about my situation is...I feel SO guilty about feeling frustrated. Not sure if the two go hand in hand but, in this instance, they do.
Guilt started about a week and a half ago, now. My friend from childhood lost her father. Then that Friday, another friend lost her father. Then this past Thursday, my cousin lost her mother.
And here I am annoyed, angry even, that I can't even land an interview.
It just seems so small. EVERYTHING seems so small. I always try to focus on the positive in everything I do, in every obstacle. But for the life of me, I can not even begin to imagine my life without my parents. My mama went to Turks & Caicos for her and my stepfather's 15th anniversary and I couldn't figure out whether I should buy my lunch or just buy dinner because I forgot to take anything out to thaw before I left for work. I realized I couldn't call her and on the absolute lowest of keys...I panicked. Eventually Zaxby's was a blessing to me, but until I figured that out...yo...
It seems stupid. And it's not that I can't think for myself, or I'm so interdependent that I starve without any help from my mama making up my mind. But she and I are just that close. She says all the time that were supposed to be sisters and on some levels, I agree. Although I really couldn't handle my older sister being THAT much smarter than me. Nope. Be my mama, lady.
Anyway, I just needed to get things off of my mind. Keep my friends and family in your prayers, if you pray, or at least in your positive thoughts. Send them positive energy. Remember how blessed you are and how gifted you are, even if others don't take the time to see it.
I won't complain about my frustrations trying to plan my life and my friends and family are planning funerals. Some things are unnecessary. Spread love.
...dig and be dug...
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