Happy New Year!
So much for consistency, right?
Haha...
Anyway..
The year of our Lord, 2017, has come to and end and 2018 has happened upon us like a great new dawn. I've seen quite a few people talk about 2017 with great dismay, but I don't have the same sentiment. For me, 2017 like many other years since entering (what can be) the great abyss of adulthood, was equal parts bitter and sweet.
Ignoring the incompetence of the one who's name shall not be mentioned and the idiocy of both his cronies and supporters, I have no complaints. And if I did, I wouldn't be beneficial to me or you, for that matter, at all. Did I attend the funeral of someone who meant and means a great deal to me? Yes. But she was in pain and it would be selfish of me to wish her to endure that pain any longer just to avoid my own grief.
Was I forced to walk away from a relationship full of potential? Yes. But potential means nothing if there's nothing else there. Who looks forward to potential, anyway? That's like saying "Ooh girl, I can't wait to get home to my man that might be good for me one day eventually perhaps at some point in time whenever that may be. Hopefully." No thank you.
And though those things may have made me sad, your girl bought a house that she loves and has created time and space to focus on her passions. For the past few years I dealt with seasonal depression and tried to keep myself busy doing whatever I could put my hands on in order to distract myself from the inevitable. (How do you MENTALLY distract yourself from your BRAIN. Don't try it. It doesn't work. Take my word for it.) But I've learned, through recent experience, that for me it's not good enough to just be distracted. Depression can empty you and it's necessary to replace whatever's taken away with something of substance. Pouring back into yourself is a necessity. My job still frustrates the hell out of me for a vast assortment of reasons, but I've been making a conscious decision to not let folks get over. I leave work at work and remind myself that this place is a means to and end and not my forever. I started taking classes and exploring new ways to express my creativity because at this point, being creative is what fulfills me the most.
Anywho, 2017 taught me a lot about myself. I'm starting to feel like a grown lady. I'm excited about my 30th time around the sun and all the good that's possible. Have an amazing 2018, errbody! And as always...
dig and be dug...
Showing posts with label overcoming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overcoming. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Thursday, May 26, 2016
May 2016
May 2016 has kicked my ass.
Since April 29th, just before noon, I have been rolling with these punches that felt like I've been thrown into the center of an all out fight between Holyfield, Tyson and both Ali's in their prime.
Just pure ass kicking.
I woke up on April 29th feeling great. I even went to work early to help out because someone ELSE got sick. By 9:00, I knew something wasn't right. By 10:15 I was warm on the outside but still shivering and had chills. By 11:00 I had a fever of 101. I couldn't turn my head or adjust my eyes without severe pain. I went straight to the doctor was told that I have an ear infection and was given antibiotics. A friend came to my rescue with chicken noodle soup, a thermometer, acetaminophen and company.
I had spoken with my mother several times that day because naturally, she was checking on me. I had no idea that the night of April 29th, as I lie in my bed, head pounding and fever high, yet enjoying some company and re-watching my new favorite show Underground, that my aunt had a heart attack and had subsequently passed away. I learned about her transition the next morning.
By May 4th I was home in Jersey with my family. By May 7th, I was speaking at her service. The next day was Mother's day and it was strange, Only because she wasn't there. Part of me kept looking for her and want to ask my cousins where she was. Then I reminded myself. Repeatedly and painfully reminded myself. In the end, it was a blessing to spend time with family and laugh together especially when we're all feeling so much pain.
Coming back to Atlanta was difficult. Coming back to work was painful. I felt like I wasn't ready and had to walk out a few times because I got emotional. By the end of the week, I had started to push myself back into the swing of things and when I heard about an audition that Friday night, I jumped at the opportunity.
I won't bore anyone with details, but let's just say my phone stopped working completely and my portable hard drive wasn't compatible with anybody's software and no one one who could print my head shots was open or available on Saturday. And I was driving for 8 hours trying to make what seemed like magic happen.
It doesn't seem like much but coming out of a week full of so many emotional ups and downs...you just had to be there. And be glad you weren't.
I didn't get the part. Cool.
That whole next week, I couldn't get out of bed. I was up to 45 minutes late to work everyday. I didn't cook a meal for dinner because I just couldn't do it and I hadn't done so since a few days before April 29th.
That weekend I pressed myself into the kitchen and decided to be in a better mood. Just because I didn't have any options. And I cooked. And it was pretty good.
Monday was a typical day. The good thing about it was, I made it through. On Tuesday I lost my favorite bracelet. It's a pink beaded bracelet that I got in support of an aunt of mine who's battling breast cancer. I literally wear it everyday and I couldn't find it. Once I decided that I had to save this search for another day, I went home. Thankfully, on my way there, the school's director called to tell me that a parent found my bracelet and it would be on her desk when I opened. GREAT!!!!
On Wednesday get my bracelet and feel much better, all things considered. I decided to head to the library to find some auditions. I find a few that I feel would be good for me to submit for and go to use that handy hard drive...and it's wiped out. Everything is gone. 10 years of writing. Head shots. Pictures and videos from my old phone that crashed LAST WEEK.
GONE.
Now I understand starting over and getting a fresh new start and etc etc etc...but NOW, Jesus? Today? Was I holding on to things I should've released? Maybe, but everything, Lord? Everything, today, Father God?
So I gave up. Went home. Ate chips and salsa for dinner, again. And prepared a bath fit forRihanna a queen. Then went to bed.
Today is Thursday, May 26th and I am tired. I went to the deli for a subs that I ordered in advance and they weren't ready so I missed my lunch break and my nap.
But something happened. I was talking to my mama as I often do and she told me the aunt that I always wear my bracelet for...is ALMOST IN REMISSION. Her cancer levels were so low, the Dr was only able to find trace amounts in her system. And then I went back to work and my bracelet broke!
I'm not sure about what it all means, but I am someone who believes in signs. I am someone who believes that they will come out of the other side of all of this something new. I'm not sure what...but something. I've been sort of an emotional wreck for the last month and now I feel a little bit lighter. My smile is a little more genuine. I feel good. I'm just praying for a continued move in the right direction. And thankful that I didn't drown just because I couldn't swim.
...dig and be dug...
Since April 29th, just before noon, I have been rolling with these punches that felt like I've been thrown into the center of an all out fight between Holyfield, Tyson and both Ali's in their prime.
Just pure ass kicking.
I woke up on April 29th feeling great. I even went to work early to help out because someone ELSE got sick. By 9:00, I knew something wasn't right. By 10:15 I was warm on the outside but still shivering and had chills. By 11:00 I had a fever of 101. I couldn't turn my head or adjust my eyes without severe pain. I went straight to the doctor was told that I have an ear infection and was given antibiotics. A friend came to my rescue with chicken noodle soup, a thermometer, acetaminophen and company.
I had spoken with my mother several times that day because naturally, she was checking on me. I had no idea that the night of April 29th, as I lie in my bed, head pounding and fever high, yet enjoying some company and re-watching my new favorite show Underground, that my aunt had a heart attack and had subsequently passed away. I learned about her transition the next morning.
By May 4th I was home in Jersey with my family. By May 7th, I was speaking at her service. The next day was Mother's day and it was strange, Only because she wasn't there. Part of me kept looking for her and want to ask my cousins where she was. Then I reminded myself. Repeatedly and painfully reminded myself. In the end, it was a blessing to spend time with family and laugh together especially when we're all feeling so much pain.
Coming back to Atlanta was difficult. Coming back to work was painful. I felt like I wasn't ready and had to walk out a few times because I got emotional. By the end of the week, I had started to push myself back into the swing of things and when I heard about an audition that Friday night, I jumped at the opportunity.
I won't bore anyone with details, but let's just say my phone stopped working completely and my portable hard drive wasn't compatible with anybody's software and no one one who could print my head shots was open or available on Saturday. And I was driving for 8 hours trying to make what seemed like magic happen.
It doesn't seem like much but coming out of a week full of so many emotional ups and downs...you just had to be there. And be glad you weren't.
I didn't get the part. Cool.
That whole next week, I couldn't get out of bed. I was up to 45 minutes late to work everyday. I didn't cook a meal for dinner because I just couldn't do it and I hadn't done so since a few days before April 29th.
That weekend I pressed myself into the kitchen and decided to be in a better mood. Just because I didn't have any options. And I cooked. And it was pretty good.
Monday was a typical day. The good thing about it was, I made it through. On Tuesday I lost my favorite bracelet. It's a pink beaded bracelet that I got in support of an aunt of mine who's battling breast cancer. I literally wear it everyday and I couldn't find it. Once I decided that I had to save this search for another day, I went home. Thankfully, on my way there, the school's director called to tell me that a parent found my bracelet and it would be on her desk when I opened. GREAT!!!!
On Wednesday get my bracelet and feel much better, all things considered. I decided to head to the library to find some auditions. I find a few that I feel would be good for me to submit for and go to use that handy hard drive...and it's wiped out. Everything is gone. 10 years of writing. Head shots. Pictures and videos from my old phone that crashed LAST WEEK.
GONE.
Now I understand starting over and getting a fresh new start and etc etc etc...but NOW, Jesus? Today? Was I holding on to things I should've released? Maybe, but everything, Lord? Everything, today, Father God?
So I gave up. Went home. Ate chips and salsa for dinner, again. And prepared a bath fit for
Today is Thursday, May 26th and I am tired. I went to the deli for a subs that I ordered in advance and they weren't ready so I missed my lunch break and my nap.
But something happened. I was talking to my mama as I often do and she told me the aunt that I always wear my bracelet for...is ALMOST IN REMISSION. Her cancer levels were so low, the Dr was only able to find trace amounts in her system. And then I went back to work and my bracelet broke!
I'm not sure about what it all means, but I am someone who believes in signs. I am someone who believes that they will come out of the other side of all of this something new. I'm not sure what...but something. I've been sort of an emotional wreck for the last month and now I feel a little bit lighter. My smile is a little more genuine. I feel good. I'm just praying for a continued move in the right direction. And thankful that I didn't drown just because I couldn't swim.
...dig and be dug...
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